Blue Print
And there she goes. After two years, the girl he loved is walking away from him, out of his life. Jeff could feel his lids were getting heavier every second but he just knew he must not cry. Strongly, he held up all those emotions that raged in his veins causing his tears to draw back rather than fall. Just moments ago, he felt numb, and just now, he wished he still were.
“Nga-a haw?” his voice was cracked.
The girl turned away from him, “Basta lang.” was all that she could say.
However, he could not digest reality, “May ara gid na ya!” he insisted, there has to be a reason, there must be something wrong! “Hambala lang ako kung ano ang sala. Pwede mo man na guro mahambal sa akun sang diretso ah.”
Then she turned to face him, her eyes filled with sorrow and tension, “Inde ta na ka palangga.”
BLAG.
His body froze. He could feel his tongue tied and his mind went blank. No words came out from his mouth, he just stared at her. Jeff does not know what to say or ask. Would he question the reason why and wound his heart more? Ask her if she loves another and let himself die? Or beg her to stay and imprisoning her in a dark sarcophagus of his selfishness?
He was silent for a few moments, unable to move, the girl turned to him yelling, “Inde ako paghipusi, Jeff! Akig ka, di bala? Hambal ka man bi! Pangakig ka!” she fretted.
But Jeff stood still, watching her every move, no words would register in his hypothalamus. All he knew, all that he could ever think about, this girl would not be his anymore. “Mapunggan ta ka bala?” at last he said, “Kung maghambal ko nga inde ta ka gusto madula, mapapugong ka?” he asked softly, unable to prevent a touch of sarcasm in his voice.
“Inde.”
“Ti wala na ako may mahimo.”
That night, his whole room mourned with him. He was unusually silent. The room was tensioned as he was. Jeff slowly turned to his drawing table, smiled sadly at the blue print he just started to do this morning…
“Maubra pa ko tani. Galing wala na man may maistar sa imo.” He said running his hands on the paper.
His heartache broke his life in puzzle but it taught him how to bring the puzzle back together and the significance of each pieces. He learned not to be bitter and it was okay to hurt a bit. Jeff concentrated on his studies, he had an unmatched performance in his course, both in designs and in theory. But still, there was something lacking.
“Excuse me, masara na kami.”
He lifted his head from the book he’s reading and stared at the girl in front of him.
“Abi ko alas-otso pa ya gasara ang library.” He said impatiently, he was in the middle a research work.
“Sa idalom to ya, inde dire.” The girl answered firmly. He got her patience.
“Ti pwede madala ang libro sa dalom?”
“Hulma.”
An idea filled his mind, the girl was irritated; he wanted to know why. Maybe she wanted to go home early or she just hated his guts, “Wala ako library card.”
“Ti paano ka di kasulod?” she started to group the books on each table.
“RF. Ano ngalan mo, Miss?”
She raised a brow saying, “Mahal akun ngalan. Wala ko ginabaligya bisan kay sin-o.”
He smiled, “May duha ko di kalibo sa wallet ko.”
She stared at him unbelievably, she cursed him in a low voice and left. She made her way outside where Gilbert, an engineering student who was also his friend was seated. He saw her laughed with him. Then pointed him to Gilbert. In a matter of minutes, his friend is already walking towards him.
“Pre!” he called.
Jeff beamed, “Duty mo?”
“Oo.” Gilbert answered, “Abi tama na ina. Maalam ka na, pakuging ka man gihapon sa library, mapuli na nga daan si Denise.”
“Denise gali ngalan ya?” he immediately gathered his things before bidding his friend goodbye, he turned to him saying, “Ano na course ya man? Sugid na lang kay mapuli na ko.”
Gilbert shook his head in amusement, “Accountancy.”
He hurried outside the circulation section where Denise was sitting, busy calculating library stuffs. “Denise gali ngalan mo? Nakuha ko libre. Tapus may free pa, accountancy.” He flashed his most irresistible smile, “Ako gali si Jeff.” And offered hi s hands.
Denise did nothing but looked at it and he felt himself blushed. He was a bit humiliated. He held back his hand and stared at her, “Wala gid ako bala gapangaon tawo.”
That incident brought him back to the library every now and then, reading books he read before, searching for things he already knew and seeing the girl who brought something familiar to his heart’s domain. But no matter how he tried to get close to her, he just could not. Denise already built an invisible barrier between them. Nevertheless, he never gave up. He wanted something to happen, he hated wasting his time doing nothing. So, he asked someone whom he knew would have the power to persuade the girl.
“Denise, lakat di bala anay.” Sir William called, he was one of her major subjects professors. And Jeff was behind him looking at her innocently.
She wanted to run, yet she stopped herself. Denise already knew what would happen next, “Ano to sir?”
“May ipakilala ko sa imo.” He took Jeff by the shoulder and introduced them. Jeff once more offered his hand. She wanted to glare at him for dragging her into this kind of scene. “Ti, indi mo gid pagbatunon ang kamot niya, Denise?” the professor teased. This time, it was her who turned crimson red. She cannot do anything but to accept his hand and smile.
This unusual incident started a friendship that was bound for love. Both of them didn’t know how it happened. One day, he was waiting there outside the library, the next, he was at the doorstep of her last class at the New Valentines Building; the next, they were eating at the student’s union building; the next, he was holding her hand as they walk through the half-moon drive going home. No words were spoken, it just happened.
Jeff was sitting in his drawing table when he felt Denise hands encircle his waist.
“Tapos na exams, ano naman ina?” she asked, resting her head on his shoulders.
“Future house ta ah.”
He saw how her face stiffened and how it turned pale, the hands that were around his waist dropped. She moved away from him.
“Nga-a Denise haw? inde mo gusto?” he asked softly. He stood up and reached for her, “Makahimo ko ya sang pinakanami nga blue print kag makapatindog sang manami nga balay para sa imo.”
Denise smiled sadly, “Bal-an ko, Jeff. Nami ka gid man maghimo ya. Pero…” she was about to say something but then she decided to seal her mouth, “Mapuli na ko.”
Jeff knew there was a problem, but looking deep in her eyes, he knew she would not want to discuss anything right now. Things were quite blur as they head on the doorstep. Denise does not want him to take her home, but he insisted.
“Gusto ko tani mabal-an kung malain ang ginhimo ko. Pero daw inde mo man gusto istoryahan subong.” He cupped her face, and when he was about to kiss her, she turned away saying, “Sige na Jeff, gab-I na. Puli ka na.” She went inside.
He was dumbfounded alone there. He sat outside the door wanting to knock, and ask her what was wrong. Was it the design? The room? Him? Nevertheless, he convinced himself to go home. He knew things could be complicated if he insisted.
Denise pressed her back on the door, she waited for him to go. Would she ever tell Jeff nothing is going to last forever? Tomorrow marks the first day of her leave of absence in the university. No one knew about it, just she, her mom and Gilbert. No one needs to know. She is not sure if it is temporary or permanent.
An hour. Two hours. Three hours. Four hours. 8:00 p.m.
Jeff gaped at his wristwatch, where the hell was Denise? He went to her last class but she was not there. So he thought of the library, but he couldn’t get a glimpse of her shadow.
“Pre, masara na ang library.” Gilbert reminded him.
He collected his things and asked, “Si Denise?”
Gilbert’s eyes juggled, could not look straight at him when he replied, “Wala ko kabalo.”
“Sugat ko siya kagina, wala siya kuno hambal ni tita.”
Gilbert’s shoulder shrugged, “Wala gid ko ya kabalo, Jeff. Puli na lang to pre. Basi may ginlaktan lang si Tata.” Jeff wanted to beg. He knew that Gilbert knew where she was but decided not to tell him. He has no choice but to go home and pray that tomorrow he will see her,
A day. Two days. Three days. Four days. Five days. A week.
He was restless, terribly distressed, no one has seen Denise these past few days. Her mom always told him she was busy with school works but none of her classmates knew where Denise was. He was worried. He wanted to find her. Would he find someone who’s hiding and doesn’t want to be found?
“Gilbert!” he called. Both of them were walking by the half-moon drive. Gilbert didn’t probably hear him, so he ran after, “Gilbert, bal-an ko nga bal-an mo kung diin si Denise. Lihog lang bi itudlo man sa akon.” He asked, almost pleading. “Gusto ko lang siya makita. Kung inde na gid man siya sa akon, gusto ko ya siya mahambal wala na sang iban.” He could curse himself for being so melodramatic, but then it was no skit, he was near to tears.
Gilbert looked at him with a heavy heart, “Nagpromisa ako, Jeff.”
“Bal-an ko. Bisan subong lang gid nga adlaw.”
“Sigurado ka gid ya nga gusto mo siya makita?” Gilbert made sure.
When Jeff nodded, he led the way.
They stopped at St. Paul’s Hospital. Gilbert led him to one of the private rooms. Jeff’s heart wobbled, he wanted to ask questions, tons of it. Yet, he chose to shut his mouth and follow silently. Stopping by the doorstep, Gilbert kissed Denise’s mother who was gripping to the rosary beads.
“Ano natabo, Gilbert?” Jeff demanded. He could not control himself a second longer with all these tension.
But he did not answer. He just told him that he should be quiet and come inside the room. Jeff’s heart was pounding too hard; it wanted to slip outside his body. He was too scared. He wanted this though. He wanted to see Denise, to hold her, tell her how much he loves her.
“Na-diagnose siya nga may leukemia last year. Daw terminal naman to gani. Hambal sang doctor, mga six months na lang siya kuno. Ginahambalan na siya namun nga mauntat eskwela kag mapa -chemo, pero inde niya gusto. Mas gadasig lang na kuno kabuhi niya. Give-up na siya to tani mo. Galing nag-abot ka. Ginpadugay mo kabuhi niya. Subong, ari siya, gapachemo, basi pa lang may tsansa nga palawigon iya kabuhi.”
Gilbert left him there alone. He wondered where he found the strength to move him feet to the visitor chair next to the bed. Jeff sat and held Denise’s cold hands on his palm, kissing it softly. He did not know what to say. He just wanted to be there.
“Jeff.” Denise muttered without opening her eyes.
“Paano mo nabal-an nga ako?” he tried to put some humor in his voice, pretending that nothing is wrong, “Inde mo na ako pagpanaguan ha?”
“Bal-an ko na perfume mo eh. Aww ah, inde gid ya masaligan si Gilbert.” Denise laughed gently, “Ginsugid ya gid ya sekreto ko sa imo.”
“Nahidlaw ko sa imo, Denise.”
Her smile disappeared and she looked at him seriously, “Inde ta ka ya gusto paasahon. Bal-an ko nga wala na gid ako sang chance…”
“Ari lang ako di, Denise. Inde lang ako pagpilita nga bayaan ka kay amo na ang inde ko mahimo.” He kissed her forehead and lulled her back to sleep.
Jeff did as what he had promised. He was always there. After class, he would go to the library, borrow books or photocopy what he needed and go directly to the hospital. He accompanied and gave her the courage during her chemo sessions. He knew there was almost no chance of survival. He just wanted to have her for a matter of time.
“Busy gid, Jeff?” He opened a blue print paper in front of her, “Tan-awa bala.” He said with pride.
Denise excitedly followed but when she realized what she was holding in her hands, she rolled and gave it back to Jeff.
“Inde mo gusto? Inde manami?” he asked worriedly.
She shook her head, “Inde na para sa akon.” She smiled sadly.
“Ti ano gusto mo, hambali ko bi.” He dared.
Denise pulled him close and gave him a smack on the lips, “Blue print sang mausoleum, ang akon nga mausoleum.” His arms around her lost its grip. He just could not believe what he heard from her. He drew her home, a beautiful home, his masterpiece, but she wanted a mausoleum. She was already asking a place for her corpse.
“Dira man ako gihapon makadto. Bisan ano himuon ko. Sooner or later mapatay ako!”
“Inde lang anay subong!” Jeff said almost desperately.
Denise looked at him bitterly, “Inde mo na mahambal, Jeff. Please do it for me na lang. amo na lang na ang ihatag.” She held him close once more, “Nami-on mo ha?”
The room was empty. Papers were scattered all over the floor. Déjà vu he must admit, but this time, it is much, much more painful and excruciating. Although he was not a smoker, he wanted to smoke badly; tension was choking him. His hands were idle. He could not move them to start working. Yet, he pushed himself to start. When his hands were forced to hold a pen and draw, it trembled and tears fell down his cheeks.
He was supposed to make a house for her, but instead, she asked for something that she knew was her destiny. Jeff wanted to hide her from God’s eyes, so that He would not take her away from him. It was destiny that bound them together, yet it is destiny that would take her away from him, leaving him in misery.
Jeff watched her sleep. He didn’t want to think about anything now. All Jeff did was stare at her. He didn’t want to think about anything now. He wanted to touch her, held her tiny face on his hands, but he just could not move, he was too afraid, that even in a blink of an eye, this girl would vanish.
“Uyy… ano natulok mo?” Denise asked when she caught him looking intently at her, “Dal-a man ko bi sa may bintana.” She pleaded weakly. He immediately obliged, pushed her wheelchair near the wi ndow, “Natapos mo na?” He nodded and gave her the blue print, “Matapos ni siya ayhan before???”
“Denise!” he warned, “Inde ka gid maghambal sang amo sina.”
Instead, she laughed, “Kapila ta na ka hambalan nga inde mo gid na ya mapaktan.” She folded the blue print, faced him and whispered, “Can you hug me?”
Again, he did what she wanted, he embraced her tightly but careful not to suffocate her, “Palangga- palangga ta gid ka bala, Denise.”
She replied, “Bal-an ko. Pero inde ako ang para sa imo. Someone is still there, inde ka lang matak-an nga pangitaon siya.”
“Bayaan mo na gid ko haw?”
“Nah!” she told him, “I’ll be your angel.” Denise turned to him, stood up weakly, dismissing his hands and place her arms on his shoulders, “Wala ka lang kabalo kung ano ta ka kapalangga. Tungod sa imo, gusto ko pa palawigon akon kabuhi. Bisan bal-an ko nga inde pwede.” Then before he could respond to her revelations, her lips covered his mouth. Kissing him like it was the last thing she could ever give him before leaving.
Then, she asked him to lay her down the bed because she was already exhausted, “Inde mo ko pagbayaan ha?” It was Denise’s last words before she drifted off to her eternal sleep.
After 3 months, he was standing in front of his masterpiece, it was finished. Again, there she goes, after months of fighting leukemia, the girl he truly loved is walking away again, to the arms of the creator, but not out of his life. She is his angel. Somebody may have his heart again in the future, but half is buried with Denise, right here, in her mausoleum.
Nine Years After…
He smiled when he opened the curtain, Sunrise… he said to himself. He looked at it with much affection and said, Denise I found her… the one that you told me about. I know she could make me happy. She could bring me the same smile you did way back. Thank you for coming into my life. Someday we’ll meet again. Then he felt someone behind his back, “Let’s go back to bed, Jeff.”
